The Power of the Single Parent: Discipline – Part 2

I was just re-reading my discussion on Discipline just a few minutes ago. I really feel I need to bring balance to this topic. Correcting your children is absolutely God’s will, IF YOU DO IT CORRECTLY.

Parents, if you are spanking and punishing your child every five minutes I want to tell you that the problem is not with your child, the problem is with YOU! There is no child on this earth that needs to be spanked and punished EVERYDAY! I want to give you several reasons why this type of behavior exists in parents:

a. The parent does not know how to relate to the child. I am finding that some parents do not know how to relate to the child on a Parent/Child level. Most parents relate to their children on a Friend/Friend level. Parents, your job is to PARENT your children, not FRIEND your children. There should be a clear and distinct boundary in which your children must know and respect. If you are too busy trying to be their friend, they will not respect you as their parent, hence behavioral problems from the child. Then, when the child gets out of hand, that’s when you want to start parenting them. Let me be the first to tell you that YOU ARE TOO LATE THEN. You can not parent your children only when they get out of hand. Your parenting must happen everyday and in all situations. It is good to be a friend to your child but be a parent first.

b. The parent puts unrealistic expectations on the child. Another situation I have come across is when parents put too much pressure on their child to be something they can not be. Most times this happens when the parent wants their child to fulfill the dreams that they missed out on in life. Fathers who missed the opportunity to become a basketball player make their child play basketball when the child isn’t even interested in sports. Also, the child may only be able to make a C average in school, but the parent forces the child to make A’s. Believe me, every child is not an honor roll student. The important thing to do is to tell your child that God can give them favor when they work and study to the best of their ability. This will relieve your child of unnecessary pressures of being someone they are not.

c. The parent is either jealous or does not like their child. YES, parents can be jealous and/or not like their children. I grew up in households where my parents were jealous of me. So much so, that over time they tried to strip away my identity. This ultimately caused a self hatred in me that only God could fix. Even still, to this day I run into many women that try to make me into who they want me to be and not accept me for who I am. Thank God that I know how to deal with that now and that I love and accept me for who God created me to be. But if I was the person I used to be twenty years ago, there’s no telling where I would be.

Secondly, I am amazed at parents who try to change their child’s looks, personality, mannerisms because they do not like them. Parents of children who are introverted try to make them into social butterflies. Children who are innately social are forced to “sit down and shut up”. Parents, it is not your job to change your children into a figment of your imagination!! It is your job to develop and love your children to be the best they can be. Most parents who try to change their children have severe problems accepting them for who GOD made them to be. Children are very sensitive to being loved and unloved. They know (but may not be able to express) what is going on between you and them. The results of a child who feels unloved and unaccepted is extreme acting out and ultimately indulging in bad behaviors (smoking, sexual activities, drugs). This is very serious because over time the child will feel rejected, hated and will ultimately try to commit suicide. They will also hate their parents and other authority figures. Parents if this is you, you MUST REPENT! Admit that you do not like your child or are jealous of them and change your ways. Learn to love your child and accept them for who GOD made them to be. If you have an active child, stop being lazy and get active with them. If you have a child who is introverted, talk and hug your child a lot to let them know that they are accepted. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR CHILD! And you as the parent should tell them that.

d. The parent has emotional or mental issues. There are extreme cases of parents that have emotional and mental issues. Parents that have suffered abuse over a long period of time can inflict that same abuse onto their children. Parents who have mental issues may not even know the damage they are doing to their children. In these cases it is best to seek professional help so that damage to both the parent and child can cease. Parents with emotional issues must understand that bitterness, anger, resentment and unforgiveness can be healed but they must want the healing. Healing can take place through counseling, prayer deep relationship with God. There are some things that can not be changed. But what can change is how you think and how you behave toward your children. God can and will help you with that.

e. The parent sees him/herself in the child and does not know how to deal with that. This is more common than you think. Parents have children that exhibit the same behaviors as they did when they were young. Parents see an unfavorable mirror image of themselves and think they can spank or punish those attributes out of the child. Well, lets get to the meat of this issue: the parent really does not like THEMSELVES. The solution to this issue is for the parent to FORGIVE, LOVE AND ACCEPT THEMSELVES! Once you are able to do this, you will love and accept your children.

f. The parent sees the child getting in the way of their goals. Some parents who spank and punish their children do this because they think their children are in the way of them pursuing their life long goals. The have a severe case of the “regrets”. Let me mildly say that your children did not ask to be here. As a matter of fact, they were destined to be here and once you accept that, you will accept them as being a blessing to your life and your goals and not a curse. Secondly, don’t forget the order of your home: God, Family, Work. Your child comes before your job. That will also help you relieve the frustration of parenting and work life.

All these behaviors can cause parents to become frustrated and angry resulting in over spanking and punishing their children. I’m sure there are many more but these are the ones I hear about most frequently.

I hoped this helped bring balance to the topic of discipline. Being a single parent is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But when we learn to get in line with the way God wants us to parent we can be very successful parents raising wonderful well balanced children.