The essence of marriage used to be a mystery to me. I have spoken to numerous couples: married, engaged and courting. I have heard all sorts of stories and have gotten lots of wisdom. Yet the one answer to the question I posed seemed to elude me – Why is marriage so hard for couples? This question resulted in my fear of marriage. Yes, I could date, and yes I could be in a relationship. But when it came to marriage it seemed a mind-blowing fear came upon me. In my heart I wanted to be married, but to actually visualize it – to actually think that I could be married - seemed impossible.
Why?
For many reasons. But one married woman’s situation helped me get the answer I had been looking for to the question that haunted me for years. Her story was nothing I had never heard before, yet it was something about the way she said it that made me seek God’s face for an answer. She said, “I have been with my husband for ten years before we got married and we’ve been married for five years. As soon as we got married, he changed. He gets on my nerves all the time and I don’t know what to do. Being married to him is so hard!” Now, again, I am telling you that this is not the first time I’ve heard this statement from wives as well as husbands. Usually I would laugh at the comment the and just keep moving. But this time…this one time I could not shake it. As soon as she said this I immediately thought – How in the blazes could ANYTHING surprise you after knowing and living with someone for fifteen years???? What could be new?? What didn’t you know and why in the world would it be so hard for you to deal with? You were with the man for FIFTEEN years, it’s not like you just met him!!
My inquisitiveness irked me so much until I had to seek God! I thought that if I was going to EVER be married, I needed the answer to that question. I purposed to fast and pray so I could hear God clearly. When I got home I lay across my bed ready to hear from Him. To my surprise, I did not have to turn my plate down and I did not have to pray for hours. He answered me quickly by giving me one word: DEATH (which is our last keyword). People who marry do not understand that marriage is a covenant based on death. It is not a contract. Contracts are between people. Covenants are made with God. The process of becoming one flesh brings death! And I'm sure we all know that the process of dieing is painful. No one dies skipping to their grave! You must understand married couples, that marriage is not based on love, money or intellect. You can have all those things in the marriage, but the foundation of marriage is DEATH!
When God sees a married couple, he sees ONE person not TWO. Jesus summed it up like this – Matthew 19:5-6 And (Jesus) said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Now, if you are friends, dating, courting and even engaged, you are TWO separate people. The marriage covenant does not apply to you. But once you get married you are covenanted with God! You are now (or should be) working in harmony with God and your spouse so you can become ONE! And every day is a process of bringing oneness – socially, mentally, financially and physically. This is very difficult if you marry someone that does not understand the marriage covenant. There is absolutely no way you can die to become one flesh when you or your spouse’s mind and heart are dedicated to self-preservation. I should note that you never become one spiritually because every person is responsible for giving their life to Christ. That is why Jesus said the two shall become one FLESH – not SPIRIT!
When you live a continual life of being separate while you are married, the covenant of death will be extremely hard for you because the covenant of death is not optional, it comes with the I DO! It doesn’t matter if you write your own vows or get married jumping out of a speeding train. Marriage brings death. If both of you do not understand and submit to this both of you will fight each other tooth and nail to keep and maintain your “sense of individuality”. That worldly concept is does not apply to marriage. You must learn to die.
Now, this does not mean that you can’t have things that you enjoy doing by yourselves. This means that your home should exude agreement, harmony, peace and direction in order to please your spouse. You should both be going and flowing with the same purpose. Both of you should lay down your self interests to please the other. If there is something that disturbs the flow and spirit of your family then it is to DIE so that your marriage can live. Yes, you can compromise, but if your compromise hinders the flow of the marriage the thing that you are compromising about goes on the chopping block! That includes hobbies, friends, ideas, family, work, etc - anything that hinders the flow of your marriage. Husbands, your wife comes first! Wives, your husbands come first! There is no one person that is the star of the show. You both die so that the marriage can live.
Now, if the married couple does not learn the covenant principle of dieing, several things WILL happen:
1. You WILL put something in the place of your spouse. It can be your children, money, your job, your pride, your rebellion, your hobbies, your friends and even God (yes, the super-spiritual can neglect their spouse in the name of God). You whole household will be out of order (remember – God is about order).
2. You WILL force yourself to live like single people in one home. You will embrace separateness and not oneness
3. You WILL justify your need for “individuality” and neglect the needs of your spouse and home
4. You WILL commit adultery
5. You WILL allow the devil to tear up your home with strife, anger, bitterness and contention
6. You WILL get a divorce
This is why the divorce rate is so high. Most married couples have not learned nor have they been obedient to the covenant of death. Quite often one spouse is dying while th other is given wholeheartedly to self preservation. Jesus said “Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a kernel of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.”
TRANSLATION: If you do not learn how to kill and bury your self will – you will wander this earth alone, unfulfilled and miserable.
Married couples, I encourage you to DIE so your marriage can LIVE!
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