The Five Stages of Relationships: Stage 2: Dating

Did you enjoy the first stage of developing relationships? Great. Now we can move on to dating.

Dating is a process used for those who are looking to get into a serious relationship that will end in marriage. If you are not looking to be married, then you should stay in the friendship level. Most people use dating as a networking process or to meet more men and women with whom they can “have a good time” or “enjoy their company” (hint, hint). But dating is only for those who see themselves married in the future.

When we discussed friendship, the key word I used was NON-OBLIGATION, remember? With dating, the key word we are going to focus on is COMPATIBILITY. This is how I know that dating is for those who have an interest in being married. Dating is the process of finding the person most compatible with you so you can grow together and become Mr. and Mrs. So and So.

Now, let me start by saying that it is the men who are to look for their mates. Proverbs 18:22 reads “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord.” Yes, men, you are the one who is looking. The funny thing is…most men want the women to look for them! No men, that is out of order. You are the pursuer! You are the Adam that is looking for his Eve! The bible states that when God created Eve, Adam looked at her and said “This is now bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh…”Genesis 2:23. That is powerful. God did not have to introduce Eve to Adam. Adam knew she was his with just one look. Adam knew Eve came from him and that she was completely and totally compatible with him in every way. That is what dating is for men. You want to find the woman that is bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh.

But she is not going to jump out of the bushes! You have to search for her, hence, the dating process.

Men, since you are the seeker, I would like to speak to you first. You are to proceed carefully while dating. You want to find a woman that fits your emotional, spiritual, mental and social needs. That takes time and work! When you take a woman out you want to see if she has the potential of being Mrs. You. You may not know right off the bat that the woman you are taking out is for you. You must search her, carefully. Now, I don’t know what your preferences are, only you do. But I would like to give you a few examples just to help a brother out:

1. If you are introverted, do you mind being with an extrovert?
2. If you have a business, does the woman you are dating have the skills necessary to be an asset to your business?
3. Is family important to you? Then you may want to consider dating a woman who is a family person. You do not want to be with a recluse. She will only irritate you and your whole family!
4. Do you want children and are you willing to marry a woman with children. Now men, you have to be honest here. Women take their children and having children very seriously – don’t we ladies? You can not play with a single mother. If you do not want children, leave the mothers alone and date women that do not have children. And the same goes for you ladies. Don’t date a man who has children if you feel you do not have the strength to help raise them. See, all of this is important in the dating process because compatibility means a lot. Most men and women marry people they were never compatible with.

In dating not only are you to have a great time, but it is a time to ask a million questions and be very watchful. Men and women, you are to listen to what is said and what is NOT said. You are to observe actions and reactions. If you walk through this stage carefully you will be able to choose the person you want to court.

Being compatible with your friend (remember the first stage) will make the dating process wonderful. You should try to pick someone that has [mostly] the same interests. If you do and you choose to pick that particular female to court, your transition from dating to courtship will be smooth. You will find that your conversations will be lively and you will understand each other better. If you don’t, you will find yourselves apart more than you are together.

Now, in the friendship stage, both parties paid their own way. Now in the dating stage, men – it’s time to open you wallets – BUT NOT WIDE! There are activities that you can take your date on that can be free as well as expensive. This will determine where your date’s heart is. If all she cares about is your money and how much you spend on her, she may NOT be the one for you. Men, think about your future with this woman. Don’t be so proud that you have money to spend that you just spend it haphazardly. You may not have that job in the future…will she stay with you then?? Take her to Fridays and work your way up to the Capital Grille! If she can appreciate Friday’s, she will definitely enjoy the Capital Grille! (I know, I’ve been there!). No need to impress. Be yourself. Also, men, do not buy her gifts (except for flowers and a nice card), do not pay her bills, do not take her shopping and do not buy her groceries. You and she are still separate people with separate lives. Both of you are responsible for your own personal expenses.

Ladies, I know you want to KILL ME! Lol!

Not only should you take her out men, but you should make every effort to respect her and her household. Arrive at her house at a decent hour and return her home safely. Don’t take her to places that are morally or ethically questionable. I say this because if you were to make this woman your wife – would you want her frequenting those places. NO, you would not. So why start her off that way?

Now, if you find that the woman (or women) you are dating is not for you, be respectable in the way you let them go. Yes, men, you can date more than one woman, just as women can date more than one man. But remember – you are not having sex with any of them! You are searching for you wife – remember? If you find that the woman you are dating is not compatible with you, then you may want to tell her that so she won’t expect more from you in this stage. This is where the confusion can happen…she thinks she’s dating you but you have demoted her to a friend! Men, be men. Be honest and upfront. There may be someone who God has for that woman instead of you. Don’t have her on a string.

Alright ladies, it’s your turn…

I want to start off by saying to you in a loving and kind way: Stop looking for men! Stop it! Men smell desperation and vulnerability very easily. You are to be about your every day life and then Mr. Adam will come “knocking at your door” or God will put you in Mr. Adam’s path so that he will notice you. If you pursue him you set the stage for being the man in the relationship. Now-a-days there are many women who are the men in the relationship. You are the pursuant, never the pursuer! You are the receiver, never the aggressor! Even your body was designed to receive, not give! (I hope you got that!). Never, ever, ever initiate relationship. Song of Solomon 2:7 - I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, TILL HE PLEASE. Translation: Do you initiate relationship. Wait until he is pleased to do so.

The man should INVITE you into a relationship. Do not bust doors down.

Secondly, be and stay a lady. Watch how you dress and be appreciative of the places your date takes you to, even if you’ve been there before. And do not be impressed by the money in his wallet. I have been out with several men who were well off – and I mean well off! I have found that men can use their wealth to hide serious issues. That money, car, house and boat are HIS, not yours. You are never to be insecure about anything that you don’t have. Your date is to like you for you, not what you possess. Relationships are not based on material goods. If that was the case, rich people would never get divorced!

Lastly, but certainly not least, do not have sex with your date. I repeat – do not have sex with your date! Yes, I have to address this because like I said before people use sex to determine who they are going to be with. It is up to you to make that man respect you…in every way!! Your standards will determine who your husband will be.

I have learned many principles in life, some through the grave mistakes I have made. One principle I have learned is this: It is better to be respected than accepted! If a man does not want me because I will not have sex with him, then I will gladly be rejected. He has proven that he is not willing to demonstrate “SELF CONTROL”. Men who only want sex have problems with self control. And believe me, if there is any quality you want your husband to have it is self control! Ladies, how does your date act when you tell him “no”? Does he get mad? Does he try to manipulate you to get you to say “yes”? Does he “put you on hold” until you say yes? Does he threaten to see someone else? If so, he may NOT be the one for you. If he can’t demonstrate self control in this stage…HE WILL NOT DEMONSTRATE IT LATER!

Ut-oh…am I in trouble with the men now?? (lol)

Believe it or not ladies, you have the upper hand in the dating process. You are the one who is to set boundaries. Also, you don’t have to accept just anyone that comes your way. Don’t pay attention to your biological clock and don’t feed into your loneliness. Fill you life up with excitement and joy so when you date it will be another great thing happening in your life, not the only thing!

The dating process should be fun. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to date because we try to date in a worldly fashion and then expect to have godly mates. It’s not going to work ladies and gentlemen. It’s not going to work. God’s way is always best. We may not like it, but it will be less pain and more joy if we just cooperate with Him.

Next timewe will discuss courting.

Yup, it’s going to get even deeper!! LOL.

See ya!