The Power of the Single Parent: Dating

Dating while being a single parent can be a tricky thing. I chose not to date while my children were young. I waited until my oldest two children were in their late teens and my youngest in his early teens to date. I understand waiting that long may not be for everyone. It’s nice to be able to go out and have your “me time” away from the children. Dating can bring loads of fun into your life or lots of confusion. It all depends on how you do it.

I went over dating in the devotional series The Five Stages of Relationships. You can look that over on your spare time to give you some perspective on the dating process. For those of us who have children and are dating, I have some wisdom that I believe can help you out. Some things I’m sure you know already and some you may not. All in all, I hope this benefits your life.

First, know that it is not weird to want to have companionship. We were made to fellowship. It brings joy, laughter and relief to our souls. I think as single parents we are under a hidden mandate not to date because to some we are doomed to make the same mistake as before – have children out of wedlock. To be honest, I would have to agree…to a point. If you learn to date wisely, your dating experience can be very fulfilling and successful. You may come away with the husband God wants you to have!

Here are some tips I think will be helpful in your dating experience:

1. Talk to you children BEFORE you start dating. Let your children know that you want to have fun and go out. Don’t surprise your children with a man’s presence sitting in your living room. You don’t know how your children will feel about their mom dating another person besides their father. Be very sensitive to your children’s feelings especially if you have a very close bond to them. Most often your children will not want to “loosen” their hold on you.

2. NEVER, EVER, EVER bring a person home to meet your children in the early stages of dating! Why? Because while dating you may be going out with several people at a time. Explaining Joe, John and Dave to your children will be very difficult. Remember, you are allowed to go out with several people at a time while dating (refer to The Five Stages of Relationships: Dating). Have your date meet you at the restaurant, bowling alley etc. Make sure that you are handling yourself in a respectable manner at all times.

3. Do not introduce your date as “Uncle” to your children. Don’t laugh, this still goes on. Please, don’t confuse your children. Be very open and honest with them and your date. Honesty is one of the best virtues to start your relationships with. This way there will never be a misunderstanding.

4. If in the dating process you start to become serious with a person, take time out to have the date talk to you and the children together. Reveal expectations, hopes and known plans so there won’t be any surprises (like – I’m marrying your mom next Tuesday!)

5. If you find that your children are resistant to your dating process – CONSTANTLY let them know that they are very important to you! This is the one thing I did with my children on a consistent basis. I always hugged and kissed my children while letting them know how important they are to me. They never came last! This action reassured them of their place in my life and heart.

6. Do not share gory details of your dating experiences with your children. There were some things my children did not know until after I stopped seeing my date. We laughed about experiences afterwards, but they would not have been funny while I was dating.

7. When the time comes and you bring your date home to meet the family, keep activities light and fun. Play board games, watch the game etc. Try not to talk about serious issues (like your children’s bad mother, your child’s stint in jail or other disastrous dates) as this may scare your date away. These types of issues should be discussed privately. But then there’s that precocious 3 year old that lets the cat out of the bag. For that, just smile, turn slowly toward the kitchen and fix dinner! Lol!

8. If you come to the point where you date does not like your children, you may have to let him/her go. You should never accept a man or woman if they don’t want your children! Many people do this and the relationship between parent and child is always strained. Always remember that when God brings you something or someone there is always peace – Proverbs 10:22 - The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich and he addeth no sorrow with it.

I have to pause here to clarify something. If you are a female with children, your date is looking for someone that fits into his life. Remember, HE that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. It is the man who is looking for his wife. Not the other way around. That being said ladies, you should start grooming your children and life to accommodate the man. Once the right man comes along, you and your children will fit gracefully into his life.

If you are a man that has children and your date does not, you should really be keen as to whether she can handle being a wife and mother! This will be a huge responsibility to take on. Do not pressure her and do not manipulate her in being with you. What you don’t want – men – is to marry a woman that can not handle the burden of parent hood. So, watch closely and communicate constantly. Don’t just accept her saying “It’s going to be ok” because it may not be.

9. Lastly, listen carefully to your children. Sometimes (not all) your child can pick up things from a date that you can not because your emotions are involved. If your child is getting weird vibes from your date: listen and watch. Your child may be right!

Dating can be done successfully – if done wisely! I hope and pray that all single parents that are called to be married fulfill their destinies!