The Five Stages of Relationships – Stage 4: Engagement

Ok ladies and gentlemen, you’ve found the love of your life! Now you’re engaged… Congratulations!

You are getting your heads together to plan your big day. Ladies, you are picking out your wedding dress and finding a place for the ceremony. You’ve called all your girlfriends (even your friendemies) and told them you’ve got the best man on earth. Your ring is blingin’ and blangin’ all over the place and you are all sparkles on the inside. Men, you have came – sought – and conquered. YOU ARE THE MAN! You have found the ring that has made your woman swing! Then you meet up with your homeboys at the pool hall and it all comes out…you start weeping and sobbing in their arms like a little baby! With their help (except for the friend who vowed to stay single for the rest of his life), you’ve decided to toss out all of your “possibilities”, “little black books” and old letters for the woman of you dreams. Both of you and your fiancé are now in harmony.

But wait…have you had counseling?

The biblical definition of counsel is direction, guidance and good advice. Some of you may be saying “Well that’s the definition everyone knows.” I beg to differ. The counsel of God is not like the counsel of the world: James 3:17 - But the wisdom that is FROM ABOVE is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

When you get godly counsel, you first encounter purity. There is no filth, uncleanness or impurities in the counsel of God. Then there is peace, which means that the counsel of God does not bring with it strife, confusion and contention. You will not be able to argue with the peace of God. With purity and peace comes the ability to be compliant (intreated). Compliancy means that you will be able to follow the instructions given to you. The instructions will be nothing hard for you to do – unless you choose not to do them. Then it will not be the counsel that is wrong, it will be your rebellion that will get in the way. Godly counsel is also full of mercy and good fruit. I think we all know what mercy is. The term good fruit means that once you follow the instructions that are given to you, you will be able to exhibit these characteristics in your life: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, meekness, temperance (self control), patience and faithfulness – Galatians 5:17. Godly counsel is also without favoritism. This means the counsel given does not lean towards either side or causes one to have an advantage over the other. Lastly, the counsel is not hypocritical which means it there is no deceit with it.

WOW! The world does not offer this type of counsel.

It is wise to seek someone who has understanding in life matters to counsel you. Once you find a good Christian counselor you must be open, honest and truthful or else the counsel will not work. You must be willing to lay your issues on the table and deal with them, nothing hidden. That brings us to our new keyword: PRESSURE.

Yes, counsel brings extreme pressure because it is designed to get into the milk and crannies of your life that you were unwilling to deal with before. The counselor will ask questions and bring up scenarios, situations and events that you have never thought to talk about. You have to face your demons in counseling. You have to face your past, your faults, weaknesses, ideas, beliefs and all those things you brushed over while you were courting. Plus, you never know how your fiancé will react when finding out your issues for the first time. Talk about pressure!

See, up until this point both of you had everything under control. However, counseling strips away the control. Once stripped both you and your fiancé will ge to see who you really are - to yourselves then to each other! When faced with the real you, will you be able to stand up under the pressure – or will you bail out? Will you view your fiancé differently or will you stand with him/her? Are you willing to deal with the issues that arise or will you run?

It’s a well known fact that men have a very difficult time going to counseling. The primary reason: Ego. Men do not want to be told what to do and they sure don’t want any of their secrets to get out! But men, let me encourage you, you are not weak for going to a counselor. You are strong. It takes a strong man to go into a counselor’s office willing to humble themselves for the betterment of their future family! Don’t fall for the “I am man, therefore I need no one” mentality. That is played out like two-toned jeans. (Wait, are they coming back – LOL)

Some of the questions you may encounter in counseling are:

1. What is your relationship with your parents?
2. Do you want children? Why or Why not?
3. Who will handle the finances? Life insurance? Savings?
4. How will you discipline your children? Who will discipline?
5. Do you think your political views will interfere with your marriage?
6. Women: What is your view of submission?
7. Men: How do you think you will lead your family?
8. What is your religious beliefs i.e., Christian, Islam – (Interfaith marriages happen all the time folks!)
9. What are your sexual preferences?
10. Have you had any traumatic experiences in your life that may become a hindrance in your marriage? Were you raped? Molested?
11. Were you married before? How many times? How did the marriages end?
12. Do you have a history of illness (whether physical or mental) in your family?

Counseling is the most important part of the pre-marital process. As a matter of fact – (and I am not a professional so take this with a grain of salt) I think all marriages should have counseling before they get married and during their first year of marriage. From talking with many married couples I have concluded that counseling is needed for newlyweds. Marriage is new to both of you so it would not hurt to have someone there to guide you through the first year.

One thing about counseling sessions is this: you never know what your fiancé will say! I know you think you know your fiancé, but we all have deep issues that we have never dealt with, we all have different variations of our belief systems and mostly, we all are flawed. If there is any time that you want to be honest and truthful (which you should have been through all the stages) it is now. Why? Because in the Christian marriage there is very little leeway to get out! God does not accept any reason for breaking a marriage. I will get into that next week.

Counseling will bring out thoughts, feelings and past memories that you thought you never had or had suppressed during your life. The greatest thing about counseling is that you bear all before making a concrete commitment to the one you love. Now, let me be so bold as to say that if you fail to get counseling - all those things that you have hidden, suppressed, refused to deal with, brushed over and ran from will invite itself into your marriage! You can run from many people, but you can not run from yourself!

Big decisions are made during the counseling session. Sometimes people find out that the person they chose was the best choice. Then there are other times when counseling reveals that the person they picked is the wrong choice. If you find that you’re fiancé is really not the one for you, I would advise you to not get married. Don’t rationalize it, GET OUT! Hurting momentarily does not compare to suffering for the next 20-50 years! You may also find that your fiancé IS the one for you but you may have to wait another six months. If that is the recommendation of the counselor, I would suggest that you wait. God may want to deal with some issues in the both of you before you marry. However, if you find that your fiancé is the one for you and your counselor says it’s ok to set a date, then HALLELUJAH! God will bless you and your fiancé abundantly. You will have so much favor that it will OVERTAKE YOU!

To all the engaged couples: God loves you and wants the best for you. He loves marriage and the blessings it brings. Do your best to seek godly Christian counseling and do what the counselor asks you to do. Stand under the PRESSURE, you will only be blessed!

Next week: MARRIAGE (Dum-da-dum-dum! Dum-da-dum-dum-dummmmmm!)