The Five Stages of Relationships – Stage 3: Courtship

You’re still here?? Wow, I almost didn’t make it myself! This series has been very soul searching so far.

Soooo, are you ready to court? We’ll see…

The Merriam Websters Dictionary defines courting as the active involvement of engaging in social activities leading to engagement and marriage. We know this can’t be all that is involved in the courting process because that is what you were doing in the first two stages of building your relationship. So, what is the difference between dating and courting?

There are several things that become deeper when you (men) have found the one you want to court. First, you become exclusive one to another. You and she are not seeing anyone else. Secondly, both of you become more involved emotionally and mentally with each other. This means you may share some of your intimate life experiences with her and she will share hers. Thirdly, both of you will start letting down your guard. This means the walls of defense and offense are slowly chipping away. YOU BOTH ARE NOW VULNERABLE TO EACH OTHER.

Now with vulnerability comes our new key word. Remember, with friendship it was non-obligation. With dating it was compatibility. Now, with courting the keyword is TRUST! Ask yourself this question: Can you trust your boyfriend? Can you trust your girlfriend? I’m sure the first thing you are thinking is “Can I trust them not to cheat on me?” But no, I am not only referring to cheating. I am asking this – Can you trust the person you are courting with your SOUL!

[GASP!]

1. Can the man/woman you are courting keep your secrets?
2. Can you trust them with your fears?
3. Can you trust them with your goals?
4. Can you trust them with the horrid details of your past?
5. Can you trust them with your weaknesses?
6. Can you trust them with your strengths?

All of these areas are access points to your soul. I’m telling you now, if you can’t trust the person you are courting…go back to the dating process! Why? Because the person you are courting is the person who should strengthen you, not weaken you! If you find yourself weaker than you were before you started courting them, you picked the wrong person to court.

See, I have found out that there are signs blazing in our faces when we are in relationships. But we do not pay attention to them. We make excuses because we want the person in our lives for one reason or another. We lie to ourselves and make ourselves believe that what we are seeing and hearing really isn’t there. Ladies and gentlemen…it’s there, and it is not going away!

Now, before you dump the person you are courting there is always room for growth (remember, this is Growing in Grace!). So what you want to do is give the person you are courting an opportunity to rebound from their mistakes. This is where they “prove” their ability to either bring strength to the relationship or deterioration. However, if you find that all the details of your life are floating around on 52nd Street, it’s time to roll out!

You want scripture? I’ve got one: Proverbs 4:23 - Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life. The word “keep” means to stand guard. The phrase “issues of life” are the things that pour out of your soul. Translation: Guard the things that pour out of your soul.

That was an Old Testament scripture, I have a New Testament scripture as well: Matthew 7:6 – Give not that which is holy to the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. The things that are holy are the things that are most sacred to you. The pearls represent your experiences and wisdom that you accumulated over your life. Translation: Don’t share your precious goods with those who posses the spirit of a swine and dog. They will take those things that are precious to you and run over them while showing no regard for your feelings. Then they will turn around and show blatant disrespect by trampling you!

Yes, the bible is just that deep!

See, each stage in relationships that reveal certain things. In the friendship stage, you don’t reveal your life’s issues because you are just having a good time and not thinking about a relationship. Then while you are dating, you can only go by what the person is telling you and what you see. You are still dealing on the surface level while dating. But in courting, you are no longer on the surface. You are voluntarily letting your heart open so you can share it with someone else. That takes trust!

Also I mentioned in the friendship stage that lying will kill a relationship. I have spoken to many people who have been connected with someone that lived a life of lies. They have lied about their former spouses, age, profession, their true feelings, former girl/boyfriends, etc. It does not pay to lie to the person you are courting. Your goal is to build a strong foundation so your relationship will last. Little white lies and big brown ones will destroy a relationship quickly because LIES KILL TRUST.

Courting is a time of learning how to trust the person you are with. It really is not a game because this person could potentially be the person you will spend the next 50 years with! So men, be wise. Pick the woman you want veeerry carefully! Women, be wise. Don’t say yes right away. Think!

Whew! You made it through the half-way mark. Ready to go a little further?

Next time: Engagement